One of you begins a sentence and the other already knows how it ends. You both have a convincing account of what happened. You may even agree about the facts. And somehow you still leave the conversation feeling more alone.
By the time many couples call me, they have tried explaining more clearly, giving each other space, making rules for conflict, or promising not to have the same fight again. Almost always, these efforts are sincere. They are also muddied by the same pattern that got them into the fight in the first place: one person tries harder to get through, the other tries harder not to be overwhelmed, and each person experiences the other’s self-protection as proof of what they already feared.
I am not there to choose the more persuasive partner. Truly, I cannot overstate the unimportance of my “judgment” between your perspectives. You both have valid things to say, and my role is to help you say them more effectively to one another and listen more effectively to the response. I want to understand what happens to each of you when closeness begins to feel dangerous or disappointing, and to help you plot out how you might be able to shift those patterns to open up more fully to one another.
The history of the argument
Psychodynamic therapy starts with the idea that the present contains more history than we usually realize. We learn early what it costs to need someone or disappoint them. Those expectations do not disappear when we meet a person we love. In fact, falling in love, committing to someone, and building a life together will bring up our worst experiences, expectations, and instincts more powerfully than ever.
My stance in couples therapy starts with the assumption that each of you comes in with your own background, history, and raw spots that live independently of one another and are also uniquely activated by one another. What is happening now is real - and, simultaneously, your partner’s actions may land with particular emotional impact because they resonate with other relationships and experiences that have shaped narratives deep in your unconscious: You do not care about me. / No one cares about me. / I’m all alone. / I will never be enough. / The only way to be close with someone is to be controlled. / If I need you, you will leave me.
Almost always, I find that the problem happening in the relationship is rooted primarily in our efforts to protect ourselves, sometimes without even knowing that we’re doing it.
How does couples therapy work?
First, I will want to get a really good sense of who you are and what your history is, both independently and as a couple. We will talk about what you’ve learned through your experiences and watch the pattern happen in the room. Who rushes to explain? Who disappears? Who becomes responsible for keeping everyone calm? What happens when I misunderstand one of you, or when one partner feels that I have taken the other person’s side?
I work relationally and psychodynamically, with additional training in Emotionally Focused Therapy and the Gottman Method. I listen for the need or fear inside the interaction and help you stay with it long enough to respond differently. I may stop a familiar exchange and say what I think is happening. I may help you practice having different conversations with your partner.
Either of you can tell me that I have missed the point. I am here to help you both envision a new way to be and feel in your relationship. I may suggest skills to practice or facilitate particular conversations, but I am not here to take a side. We are in this together, not figuring out who the “bad guy” is.
Love and anger can coexist
People sometimes worry that going to couples therapy means the relationship is already over. But tension and conflict are natural - even essential - in loving relationships. Psychodynamic therapy recognizes that the same people who inspire strong loving feelings in us can also inspire strong angry feelings, because they matter to us. We can long for closeness and resent needing it. We can want so badly for someone to be happy that it makes us miserable. The question is how we deal with those feelings. Can we slow them down and talk about them productively and empathically, or do they come out impulsively through blame, distancing, or repetitive arguments?
That work may involve rebuilding after betrayal, working through complexities in your sex life, negotiating religious or cultural differences, becoming parents, or navigating loss. I would want to understand the patterns of conflict between you and your beliefs about those patterns. What does your partner do that makes you feel most alone? What do you do next? When did this pattern begin to feel inevitable?
I would also want to know a lot about your strengths - your vulnerability or shared sense of humor, or even just the fact that your anger shows how much you yearn for connection with the other person. To answer the question posed in the headline: if you’re here, wanting connection, I do not think it is too late.
Couples therapy may help when conflict keeps repeating, trust has been broken, or when there are complicated dynamics around sex, parenting, money, work, or illness. During a consultation, we can talk frankly about whether couples work is the right and safe setting for what is happening.
If you are deciding whether to meet online or in person, you can read Online Couples Therapy: Does It Work?