What is Sturdy Psychotherapy?

The primary inspiration for our practice name was Dr. Becky Kennedy’s work on sturdy parenting and sturdy leadership, which she poses in contrast to the popular conception of "gentle parenting." Often in the moments we are most proud of with the people we love, our behavior and state of mind could hardly be described as "gentle." I would much more likely describe myself in those interactions as connected, authentic, strong, attuned - sturdy. These were moments I was able to stay connected to someone else while not losing contact with myself, even when I felt stressed or under attack.

A sturdy parent can take a child’s anger seriously without becoming afraid of it, punishing it, or changing an important decision simply to make the anger stop. They can allow the child to have their feelings and still think clearly about the decisions they want to make.

I am constantly thinking about the great balancing act of showing up for my loved ones without emptying myself. How do we remain alive to everything happening within and around us while still setting boundaries and making the decisions we believe are best? How do we listen to fear without handing it every decision? How do we let someone we love disagree or be disappointed in us without immediately withdrawing, retaliating, or changing to please them (and allowing ourselves to have disappointed or angry reactions to our loved ones too)? How do both accept ourselves and our loved ones as they are while also moving forward on change that needs to happen?

This comes up in parenting, but it also comes up between partners, in difficult workplaces, during medical decisions, and whenever we depend on any other person or thing we cannot totally control. It can be liberating and generative to be able to say no while preserving connection, to consider different ideas without abandoning your values, or to know you can listen to criticism without collapsing into shame or instinctively defending yourself, because you're allowed to reflect on whether or not you agree with what the other person is saying.

Sturdiness has an inner life

From the outside, sturdiness can look straightforward: hold the boundary, have the conversation, make the decision. Just do it (or as the old Bob Newhart skit goes, "just stop it"). But inevitably when we find we can't just "do it" or "stop it," there is something deeper - an inner conflict or something meaningful within those decisions that we have not yet fully sorted out.

It is much harder to tolerate another person’s disappointment when some part of you believes their disappointment means you've failed them. And it's harder to make a clear medical decision when you don't know who to trust and every option feels dangerous. It's harder to speak honestly with your partner when you've been set up to feel that having needs will make you burdensome or that expressing anger will end the relationship.

We become sturdier through deep love, acceptance, and connectedness to ourselves, courageous gestures of faith and investment in the people we care about, and relationships in which we don't have to manage everything alone. It takes becoming really familiar with how we think and feel and getting to know our vulnerabilities, strengths, and inner narratives like an old friend if we want to live a life wholly rooted in our values.

This is my wish through Sturdy Psychotherapy: I want to make you feel free to say the least socially acceptable thing in your head, to bring all your "uglies" and know I won't run away screaming (in fact, I'll probably feel honored that you trusted me with it), and to feel entitled to disagree with me (and other people) without the relationship falling apart. Most importantly, I want our therapy to help you outside the session. Insight matters because it can change how you live, who you trust, what you tolerate, and what you decide.

So why the tree?

Our logo is a tree whose roots extend as deeply below the surface as its branches reach above it. One half is visible, sprouting leaves and flourishing. The other is doing essential work that no one else can see.

The branches are the parts of a life that are observable from the outside: our relationships, choices, work, caregiving, boundaries, and the ways we respond under pressure. The roots are less obvious - our histories, loyalties, fears, expectations, and the ways we learned to protect ourselves, even before consciously got to decide.

Psychodynamic therapy pays attention to those roots because the visible parts of life grow from them. What is happening below the surface can constrain growth or facilitate it. When the roots have enough room, nourishment, and support, the branches can reach farther and blossom more fully.

We are here to be part of that root system: to help steady and support you as you become more connected to yourself, more able to remain present with other people, and freer to build the life and relationships you want.

Sturdy does not mean rigid. A sturdy person can be moved, surprised, hurt, and changed. The goal is not to become invulnerable. It is to become rooted enough that you can feel what is true, stay connected, and still decide how you want to live.

That is the hope behind the name Sturdy Psychotherapy and the way we want to help.